Mentorship: When Leadership Feels Like Competition

First Years as a Professional

I once worked at a public library in my late 30s. I was already a credentialed librarian, trying to transition from school to public libraries after a career break. My branch manager was in her early 50s but looked younger—dressed young, acted youthful, and made a point to say she wasn’t into micromanaging.

At first, that sounded like freedom. But it ended up meaning silence.

She didn’t help us move up. She didn’t tell us when interviews were posted. She didn’t advocate for us behind the scenes the way other managers did.

She didn’t block us—she just never lifted us.

Meanwhile, I saw other branches where managers called over to help get their assistants promoted or transitioned. Some told their workers, “Stay in the system. When you finish your degree, I’ll help you come back.” Our manager? Quiet. Passive. Friendly. Absent.

I came in with another assistant ten years younger than me. Both of us were trying to grow. And while we smiled and followed the rules and worked our five-day shifts (which, by the way, we later learned was more than other branches required), our manager was angling for her own next step.

There was no mentoring. No allyship. Just vibes and lipstick.

 Section: The Disguised Disconnect

This manager reminded me of something I’ve seen more than once:

Women who arrived late to their own professional lane sometimes don’t want to mentor—because they’re still fighting to feel established themselves.

Instead of feeling secure in their power and turning to help the next woman, they’re still performing youth, proving worth, and avoiding anything that would mark them as “older” or “maternal.” That includes mentoring.

And when that happens, they become what I call peer-donnas—women who perform equality or friendship to avoid the responsibilities of leadership, even when they hold the keys.

 How to Know If Someone’s Actually Mentoring You

Mentorship is more than being nice or giving vague encouragement. Look for real signs of investment:

1. Do they introduce you to people?Mentors expand your network. They name-drop you in rooms you’re not in.
2. Are they giving you leads or heads-up on roles? A real mentor tips you off early—before positions or interviews go public.
3. Are they teaching you transferable skills? Do they show you how to do things that build your future—not just your current job?
4. Do they send you to workshops or conferences?Formal or informal—are they giving you tools, not just tasks?
5. Are they putting your name forward? Suggesting you for projects, roles, or leadership opportunities?
6. Are they letting you lead anything? Mentors give you visible responsibilities that belong on a résumé.
7. Are they talking about you when you’re not there—in good ways? Real mentors advocate even when you’re not watching.
8. Are they involving you in off-site or side projects? And if so—are you joining as a peer or subordinate? If they wouldn’t invite someone their own level, ask why they’re inviting you.